individuality

"I just want to be an individual."
"I don't want to look like everyone else."
"I want to find my own path."
"I am unique."

I think about this a lot.

There are people who want to live in the city because they don't want to conform to the norm of suburban life.  Cities are highly populated with such people who think they are unique with this thought.

There are people with tattoos.  They want them to express who they are, to show their own uniqueness, to share their individual thoughts and beliefs.  They often choose from a book of standard tattoos to express their uniqueness.

People want to dress with their own personality therefore, they shop at chain stores and buy clothes that are socially called by a style: goth, classic, urban, eclectic, and so on.  Their clothes are mass produced to comply with this desire to be unique.

Their are those who don't want to go to conventional school.  They don't want to go to college.  They want to find their own way.  They do this by following the path of 5 million other non-college students who back-pack all over and then ultimately go to college.  They found their own version of a unique path.

There are also those who are raised religious.  In their effort to 'find their own path' they conform to the thoughts of millions of non-religious people.  Conversely, there are those who were raised in a secular or scientific world and they ultimately turn to religion.

After all this, there are the constant statements of "you are special. you are an individual.  you are unique. be the best you. stay cool.  don't stop being who you are."

Sort of an attitude of "I want to be different, just like everyone else."

What to make of all this has stumped me for years.

When I was about 9, I had my first experience that showed me that I was different.  I was put into a third grade class where I was 1 of 2 kids with light skin. I was teased by my peers and made to be an example by my teacher.  I didn't understand it.

When I was 10, I started growing tall at an unbelievable rate.  I was very different from the other girls in 4th and 5th grade.

When I was 11 we moved and I was the new girl in school.  I had a hard time feeling like I fit in and so at lunch time, rather than sitting in the cafeteria, I walked home and ate with my mom and watched leave it to beaver.

I could keep going, but the point is, I felt different.  I felt like I was special and I felt unique.

Now fast forward to when I was 23.  I was talking with an old mission companion who said to me that even after traveling the world and seeing many things, she knew she was just one person who would probably end up being just like everyone else (she may remember this different than me, but that was the message I got). I still fought against that feeling and thought.  I was different than my family at least.  I got my degree, did a study abroad, did a DC internship, set out on my own and lived a single life in Denver.

I thought I was unique.  Now, I see that my life and my path look remarkably similar to everyone else. Everyone has a 'life affirming moment' it seems.  Everyone has a travel experience, a hard experience, a painful one, a funny one and so on.

So, in the grand scheme of things, I am simply one of the minions.  I am an ant on an enormous ant hill with many leading different paths, but all very much the same. My life is simple. My goals are just like everyone else.  I feel fear. I feel depressed.  I feel overwhelmed.  I feel love. I feel - just like everyone else.

So, things to learn from this:

1. Everyone the world over, has something in common and more than likely, many things in common, regardless of race, creed, family, or background. RESPECT.
2. The feeling of being underwhelmed and overwhelmed at the same time is possible. AWE.
3. No one is so different that he/she should feel alone.  There is always someone who could relate. COMPANIONSHIP
4. My uniqueness is impactful to those in my immediate circle.  I will probably not change the world, but I can help others feel of its beauty, majesty, clarity, and joy through my eyes. CHARACTER
5. Every story has been told at least once. My thoughts are probably not original.  However,  they are mine and they may come in a different order than someone else had them come. EXPERIENCE.
6.  Our purpose may not always be to affect others but perhaps to be effected.  If this is the case, doesn't that denote a higher purpose to life in general?  PURPOSE

Ultimately, I am unique in my own right. I am the only one with experiences exactly like mine.  I look for moments in life that inspire me with respect, awe and purpose. I watch others.  I enjoy the diversity and history.  And the sum total of my life so far has been influenced by my experience and the influence of many many others.