My Goal

lots of journal and insight in this post...

when I was in 10th grade, a guy I knew, as a joke said, 'your 127 pounds? wow. your really heavy!" I say it must be a joke, but at the time, I thought he was serious. At 5 feet 9 inches, 127 pounds is sort of the Hollywood model. But in my teenage head, I felt defeated. I always felt awkward back then because I assumed I was fat and everyone would be looking at the fat girl and laughing. I would eat alone or secluded so no one could watch me eat. I didn't do sports because I thought they would be looking and my fat. I would stress eat. By the time I graduated from high school, I was technically overweight. I was uncomfortable in my own skin.

College for me was liberating. I lost all that high school weight. I had a friend that started teaching me to swim. I started running with other friends. I walked everywhere and I couldn't afford to overeat. For years, I was thinner, but still hadn't learned how to eat a balanced and nutritious diet (and no, I don't blame my parents for not teaching me. they did teach me. I just didn't care back then). Every time something changed in my life, my weight would yo-yo and I would get depressed.

Well, here are the catalysts for my REAL weight gain. I met a man, got married, moved twice, changed jobs, got pregnant, quit my job and had a child. For many women this is their 'liberating' time, I'm sure, but for me, it was so much change at once that I lost control of my eating and moving and gave up. I gained weight so quickly that I couldn't help but to be discouraged.

So last year, in January, I was listening to a BYU professor talking about what we control. We are in control of our own lives. We are the ones to make decisions for our lives. We can decide to be happy, or sad, or active, or to live to our potential. There are changes and obstacles. However, we can decide how to handle them.

A month later, I joined Weight Watchers. I was ashamed and embarrassed, but I had to do something because I knew my mental state wasn't strong enough to lose weight alone. The first 3 weeks, I didn't tell anyone. I only told my husband because I knew he'd see that I was spending money there. After 1 week though, I felt determined. After 2 weeks, I felt a level of control back in my life. After 3 weeks, I decided I'd just tell my mom. She was proud of me. And from there, I found a sense of self empowerment. It was more than just because of the weight loss. I felt like the balance between exercise and food and rest has been a struggle for me for years and I was finally taking control. They taught about balanced eating and moving more and enjoying life's opportunities now - don't wait for the 'skinny day', just do it now. They taught about nutrition in a way I understood. I read online on my own about various exercises and subjects. I didn't let anything stop me. Sickness, birthdays, family reunions, tendinitis, pinched nerves... in the past, they would have stopped me. But this is my life and I chose to move forward.

Six weeks ago, I got to my goal weight - it took me 15 months. But more importantly, I've maintained it. I've learned that I can eat food and not feel guilty. I can enjoy the worlds cuisine, which I love. More than anything else, I have learned that I can be successful. The weight I carried was sort of symbolic to me of other feelings I've had (some of you have heard me say, 'it's never about what it's about). I know life is going to change, because that is the nature of life. But I feel like I have learned some habits and made a foundation so I know I can be successful.